The Greatest Sex Scandals in (Our) History

My contribution to TNGG’s sex week — as originally posted here.

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” Heck, we can all quote other presidents – “Four score and seven years ago…,” “Speak softly and carry a big stick,” “We will go to the moon. We will go to the moon and do other things, not because they are easy but because they are hard.” These are the types of quotes that we should remember from our presidents, but instead, we have Bill Clinton’s blatant denial of sex. How patriotic? At least Bill’s sex snafu taught us a couple things. For one, never lie under oath (especially if you become POTUS, ’cause then you’ll get impeached). And two, don’t cheat.
President Clinton was just one of first celebrities who taught this generation this lesson. The following are some of the biggest sex scandals  we’ve “witnessed” thus far in our lives:
MONICA-GATE: Bill Clinton’s sex scandal actually began with a lesser-remembered one, when Paula Jonessued him for sexual harassment.Lewinsky was working as an intern in the White House when the affair began. First she signed an affidavit denying a relationship during the Jones’ court case, but then another coworker, Linda Tripp, leaked tapes of conversations with Lewinsky in which she spoke of the affair. Unfortunately for Clinton, his inability to keep it in his pants and stay faithful to a devoted wife who always stood by his side, led to his impeachment in 1998 after a highly publicized, 21-day Senate trial.
TEACHER-STUDENT: So if the President of the U.S. can’t be a good example, perhaps we should look closer to home, perhaps we should look up to our teachers? In Des Moines, WA, if your teacher was Mary Kay Letourneau, that would have been a worse idea than following Clinton’s lead. Letourneau was arrested in 1997 for sleeping with her 13-year-old student, Vili Fualaau, who was apparently her “soul mate.” Soul mate or not, she was cheating on her husband and committing statutory rape. Ms. Mary Kay also wound up pregnant with her student’s child (who was born when she was out on bail). While on parole, she was found sleeping with Fualaau again — since this violated her parole, she was sentenced to over seven years in jail. While back in jail, she gave birth to her second child with her student.  After being released from prison in 2004, she married her former student in 2005 and they claim to be living “happily ever-after.” (Although, now that she is a grandmother, she thinks that her kids shouldn’t be dating their teachers — talk about being a hypocrite.)
Father Cutiè: (No really, that is his name.) With the theory of separation of Church and State, if we can’t look to politicians or teachers as role models, let’s turn to the Church, right? Wrong. In the midst of the Catholic Church, which was dealing with residual backlash from a plethora of sex abuse scandals, Fr. Alberto Cutiè, a popular priest in Miami with famous Spanish TV and radio shows, was photographed being very close to a female friend. Keep in mind that the Roman Catholic Church believes that priests are celibate because being ordained a priest means marrying the Church and being the “bride of Christ.” So while Cutiè may not have been caught having sex, he was caught red handed with his hand down her swimsuit — both breaking his vow of celibacy and the seventh commandment – thou shalt not commit adultery.
HOLE IN 15: Sex addict Tiger Woods had not just one, but 15 affairs (at least that’s when I stopped counting…) that all came bubbling out of the wood work after he smashed his SUV into a tree outside his house in November 2009. After allegedly fighting with his wife, Woods hit a fire hydrant and the tree when leaving his mansion and was taken to the hospital. As rumors began speculating, one by one, mistress after mistress came out and publicly admitted to having affairs with Woods. Eventually Woods lost sponsors, his wife and decided to go to rehab for sex addicts. While SNL, Jay Leno and political cartoonists were having a field day, Woods learned (or maybe not) that while getting it the hole may be a good goal on the golf course, it does not apply universally to all aspects of life.


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